I will be typing as I set up my first profile on bumble, grammar and syntax may be difficult to understand.

Bumble:

The advertised article is for “Pure, the hookup app,” this is going to go SO well…I download off the cloud because I have been there, done that. It’s coffeeshop wifi, takes a minute. Aw, hell no am I continuing with Facebook, use another option please. And now it wants my phone number, back to Facebook it is. I am allowing this app to use my locations and notifications, do it for the blog, do it for the blog. It says it’s “built on kindness, empowerment, and respect,” yeah, okay. I’m interested in dates, men, and then we start swiping. Should probably check my profile. So it used my last 5 profile photos from Facebook, these consist of the Gators offensive line and jags defense pics. LOL. Adjusting now. For the “A little bit about you…” I have put: “I’m an 8 until you include personality, then a 6, I also want a relationship, so a 4.5.” That should be pretty straightforward.  Here.we.go.

Okay, so 20 profiles in, swiped left on all, until I saw the guy who put “Vandaley Industries” as his job, hell yeah. If you don’t get it, we aren’t friends. Also, when did “athlete” become a job? Oh no! I got “start a chat,” I literally have no idea what to say. I also swiped on a ginger…this can’t be good. Also, just came across the first friend on here…this is some awkward crap. Oh geez, another match. WHAT ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO?!? And now it gets interesting. Just came across the guy I’ve been on 2 dates with who told me “I don’t use bumble anymore.” Okay butthole. Y’all, this is complicated. I do not know what to do. I’ll be back, hopefully more sober.

So it’s been 24 hours. Here are my bumble take-aways, so far:

1. Why are there so many entrepreneurs? Seriously, do we have that many creative people in Jax? It reminds me of the Quicken Loans commercial, it means he’s unemployed (see below, can skip to 27 seconds, #dead)
2. Shower selfies…someone explain this to me. Probably 20 guys had a selfie from the shower. I mean, I guess I’ll put a tally in the pro category for “has insurance on their phone.” It’s just weird, who thinks “I bet I look so hot and wet right now, let me take a selfie,” okay, maybe that makes a little sense
3. Why do so many guys have pictures with other girls? One guy had a photo of him with a girl pulling on his tie and trying to lick his face, mixed messages
4. I am surprised at how many guys list their height. I mean, I appreciate this very much, but how many people are actually asking for height right at the beginning.
5. I do NOT give enough credit to men.  I swiped on a picture, they swiped back, and yet thinking of a message to send them was so stressful! I can’t imagine talking to a girl when you don’t know if she finds you attractive. Also, trying to being witty, not awkward, and cute is super hard to do.
6. DO NOT DRINK and BUMBLE. I swiped waaaaaaaay too many times and half of them I don’t think I was actually looking at the picture, which brings me to my next point…
7. I was so overwhelmed. I didn’t think that many people would match with me and the next thing I knew, there were 18 people in the “queue.” Sending messages was tough enough, but I also didn’t want to send the same message to every guy.
8. How do you weed out the guys who just want to hook-up? Do you just wait for the unsolicited dick pic? Or do you say it upfront? Or do you wait until the date when they try too hard?
9. This could make me more shallow and judgmental than I already am. You’re obviously judging their pictures, but you’re also judging their bios. Here’s a few:
   • “Nerdy hippie.” No thank you.
   • “If you voted for Trump, F*ck-Off.” Really? I guess he was honest.
   • “Don’t message me if you aren’t on the A-list.” Oh, ok, this coming from the guy who put his job as “actor” and he lives in Jacksonville, Fl
10. This is so much harder and takes a lot more thinking than I thought. I am also taking this slightly seriously, I am not here for the hook-up. People who have been doing this for months, more power to you, it’s emotionally draining.

I also have not scheduled a date, but I have exchanged phone numbers, I guess that’s the step in the right direction. Please let me know if you have any advice for me!