I’m BAAAAAAAAACK!

 

Good evening fellow singles and people who need to feel better about their own dating life!  I have been MIA due to me being an idiot and thinking “I found the one.” That was a let down…Anywho, I am back and I am not going to be joining Bumble, or Tinder, but trying a new app that apparently is an old app, Hinge.

I am joined today by a friend who also has been on several dating apps, Mitch. We have had several conversations about the lack of “opportunities” in Jacksonville and our depressing swiping lives. We have both found people in the last year that ended up to be totally f*cking disasters.

So here we go, Hinge it is…

First off, what’s in a name? Hinge? Sounds like something Chip and Joanna Gaines would have started, and they’re wonderful, so this has to be wonderful right? Don’t worry, I am not that naive. I’ve been told by several “Christian” friends that Hinge is better than Bumble and Tinder because it’s not about a short term fling, it’s people looking for lasting relationships like they do on Match.com and EHarmony, but without paying the money. Mitch has just informed me though, that this is not necessarily the case anymore. But hey? What’s the worst that can happen? I get murdered? Meh, compared to the way my last relationship ended, that may be me going out on a high note. Que George Constanza (don’t get the reference? shame on you).

Downloading the App: I’ve seen better logos and taglines, but hey, aren’t we all here because we’re mediocre. Continue with Facebook or phone number? Phone for sure. I am creating a new account. I am not in for the “sign up faster option” where it automatically loads from Facebook. We are going to “Manual Fill.” There are a lot of doodles on this app…kinda weird. It wants my email…why? So I can get those random spam emails about male enhancement? Ew. Enable notifications? How popular do I think I am going to be? Meh, we will enable it.

Question 1: Last name? First off, that makes it so much easier to stalk me, because my name is sooooo common. Thanks mother, guess you didn’t consider the fact that I am extremely google-able because NO ONE HAS MY FREAKING NAME IN JACKSONVILLE FL! It wants my age, is “too old for a dating app” an option? No? Ok, Feb 4 19__. Logging current location aka “WORST CITY FOR SINGLES IN AMERICA,” aka Jacksonville. Worse? It knows where I am in Jax, hipsters need not apply.

Questions 2-I lost count: I’m a woman, interested in Men, though that might change soon (sorry mom).  Height, if you read this blog, you know I am a height elitist. Ethnicity? How come “I came off the Mayflower” is not an option? I instagram my “Sunday Funday Brunchin,” I own a shirt that says “dog mom,” and “I am putting in shiplap in my foyer” I am white.

Kids? UH NO, but why is “I’d prefer not say” an option? As the “shopper” on Hinge, I’d frigging prefer you to say if you have kids. Family plans? Want kids. That will eliminate 90% of the “buyers,” good thing it doesn’t ask “how many?”

Work: high school teacher. Wait, now it wants job. WTF is the difference? How weird is it if I put work as “high school,” that’ll bring the creepers.  Mitch is not helping right now, just judging.

Education: this is one I am actually proud of, UNIVERSITY OF FLORIDA.

Religious beliefs: well, this is an ongoing debate since my life has been working out so swimmingly. Kidding mom, God, mainly mom. Sorry.

Hometown: shall I put DUUUUUVAL and really blend in with my people?

Now it wants politics. This app is seriously going to be an epic fail, ain’t going to be anyone left to swipe. Mitch literally LOLed when I said “I’m screwed.”

Drinking? HELL YEAH. Well, luckily that’s not an option, so we will go with the simple “yes.”  Smoking: EEEEW, but I’m here for the vape, KIDDING. Again, why is “prefer not to say” an option?! I need to know if you smoke, that’s part of a compatibility test. Marijuana: shocker, I have never done drugs. So no. Drugs: uh NO and AGAIN why is PREFER NOT TO SAY an option.

We are on the profile building section now. We are going to use my instagram. I should use the photo that’s me and my cousin’s baby, that’ll weed them out real quick. Picked the photos, thanks to Mitch telling me “that’s not your best one,” this has been a hell-of-day for my self-esteem.  He’s now showing me photos he wouldn’t use of himself to make me feel better. Me to Mitch “Mitch, these are my insta photos, they’re the ones that I think I look good in, the bad ones never make it to insta, if you’re saying these are bad, I am clearly not as attractive as I thought.”

Now it wants a “prompt.” Maybe I should put the “Let’s Debate this Topic” and choose “NY’s new abortion ban” and really close this deal out. These prompts are dumb, it gives you questions to answer, for example, I chose: “One thing I’ll never do again,” Mitch with the zing “never date Connor again.” LOL. Went with “never ride a mechanical bull.” I also chose “the way to win me over is: text me back (low standards)” and “I won’t shut up about: how UCF is not a real school and are only national champions at being delusional.”

AND. HERE. WE. GO.

“On Hinge, liking is different, RIP, swiping.” Well, being that I’ve eliminated 99% of the population with my choices, swiping isn’t even an option. This app is for people who are serious because it wants me to like someone based on their profile sayings AND pictures, doesn’t this defeat the point of shopping for a mate. Thank God, Mitch is here, because I had no idea I had to scroll. BOOM. SOMEONE HAS LIKED ME. He’s in for a rude awakening…

These apps need “maybe” piles. So I’ve learned you can like their funny comments and individual photos. I will get back to yall after 24-48 hours after this. I am so stressed.