The number one “key to success” to writing a dating blog is to actually go on dates. I am failing at the one thing this blog is supposed to be about. Hence the 5 month hiatus. But as we sit and wait on Hurricane Dorian, also known as the SLOWEST DAMN HURRICANE TO EVER SPIN ON THE PLANET, I am 2 bottles in today. Shout-out Cooper’s Hawk Wine Club, went in to cancel (took a new/old job and a pay cut) and found out I had 6 bottles of wine! So…I didn’t cancel and walked out with my hurricane prep. Taylor Swift’s new album also came out last week and that’s pretty much all I have been listening to, so we might have several blogs written tonight. I am also watching AGT and the group that’s on now-Messoudi Brothers, Lord have mercy, I need a man, one of them would be nice, but just a hot man would cover it.

Okay, so that’s a lie, not any hot man will do, which leads me to tonight’s story. So settle in with your alcoholic beverage and whatever hurricane snacks you have left (I ran out at 5:45pm, 24 hours before the official hurricane landfall) and feel better about your own life.

So, something I am constantly trying to explain to my friends that live in “real” cities, like Atlanta, Orlando, Tampa, and Miami, is that the dating bar for women in my home town is so low, it’s pathetic. On Saturday, our hurricane prep led us to our usual brunch spot and one of our friends that is in a 7-year relationship had gone to dinner with her two best friends who are 30-35 and single the night before. Both are attractive, in great careers, own their own homes, are independent, and thus single. My friend laughed at how after she talks to us that she realizes that the expectations we set to date a dude is ridiculously below par. Side-note, I don’t know a lot about golf, but wouldn’t sub-par be good? Oh well. Anyways. In my city we have attractive guys, not a lot of single ones, but a lot in general. The single ones however, are usually immature, douchebags. If you’re an attractive male, above 6 foot tall, and single in town, you’re probably a dick. Don’t believe me? Ask your single girl friends, I’m right. There are definitely the outliers, we are trying to find you, and the ones I have found, ignore this blog because I am the idiot that let you go. Here in town and at the beach, those guys have the pick of the litter, you can go to any bar on a Friday night and the girl to guy ratio is in the guy’s favor, and there are so many attractive females here, that for a guy, it’s not an issue of finding a lady, but finding one that is on your level.

This leads to the problem. As a girl here, we will deal with so much bullshit from a guy if he is attractive and taller than us. It’s unreal. The reason being, we know that if we get fed up and let them go, he has another hot attractive girl waiting in line, we, on the other hand, do not. Let me give you a real life example, actually two, thus the point of this blog.  DISCLAIMER: I have left several key details out to protect the identities, this is not all that they did, otherwise, I might seem crazy, if you would like to know more, please message me.

I was warned about both guys. I knew their list of “conquests,” much of the list was under 27 and instagram influencers or bartenders. I was warned by a guy friend that one was bad news. I was warned by other girls, one was bad news. I knew by my own intuition, they were bad news. Trust me, as a woman, we know when you’re an immature bastard, we just ignore it. Let’s review the warning signs of a douche:

If your instagram follows are more girls you have never talked to in real life than those you have, if you reference how many instagram followers you have, if you spend more on your car payment than your mortgage/rent, if you talk down to people because you don’t think you have to deal with them, you vape or have a cbd oil pen, you have zero idea how to fix anything, you only communicate through social media or text, you’re a bartender, or you went to UCF and think they’re National Champs, you’re probably a dick.

So Guy #1 starts flirting, I start flirting back. I start thinking, maybe he isn’t as bad as everyone says, maybe he’s matured….. Well we all know what happens when you ASSume. After him asking me out and me entertaining the idea, I find out he has another girl, and not just any girl, a tall, ridiculously hot, college-educated babe. He didn’t even bother to hide her, like a normal person. I call him out, he ignores me for a few days, still texts about how I am so hot and asks me out some more. I bring up the other girl and he never addresses her except to say that I could be as hot as her if I dressed more slutty… I am not an idiot, I know when he ignores me, he’s probably texting her or a 100 other girls. I immediately ask every friend, guy and girl, what made her more special then me. Did she ignore more texts than me, did she turn him down more so he would want her more, was my 28 day reset for nothing?!?! (That’s a joke, I did it to figure out my stomach issues). Of course they filled me up with “she’s not that pretty, you’re more pretty” and “she’s too skinny” and “do you even want a guy like that.”

The last question is what hit me, “do you even want a guy like that,” and obviously the answer is “no.” I am so quick to say I won’t settle, but I am only talking about when getting into the relationship, I am so willing to settle for a jerk for no reason, just to feel like someone attractive wants me. This guy is tall, has a descent job, and is semi-attractive- in the words of what a dude I was hooking up with me told me-I’ve done better. He’s done nothing to win me over or act like he actually wants to get to know me, I don’t even think he knows my job.

This isn’t some revelation, I have known I am shallow for a very long time. I know that I judge people on looks and height, and all of that has to do with me being single. You don’t have to comment that I am a horrible person, I’m not, I am certainly not a saint and we all know how I could improve. My mother constantly tells me what I should change, my dad has given up. So please don’t start sending me mean messages.

Guy #2. This guy may have zero idea that I am interested, in his defense, he also may be an idiot, because I thought I made it pretty obvious, I don’t slide into DMs on the reg (I met him first, I am not that creepy…but I could be, that’s for another day). So, him and I have hung out in groups and never just us. Our last encounter, I thought was going well, he asked me to basically hang out by ourselves (for like half an hour, until his roommate came home-remember LOW BAR). I couldn’t because I am a dog mom and he needed to be let out and loved, like his mother. So we chat into the night and talk about hanging out the next day. Next day roles around and what do you know, he can’t, he’s busy doing “adult things.” Okay, you’re not a real adult if you say “I have to adult today,” just an FYI. So he blows me off. WTH. What am I doing wrong?! I don’t think I said anything wrong, I thought he was into it, boy was I wrong. He will go home with random girls from the bar, girls that are not cute, older with kids, but apparently, I am not good enough. Again, I take to the group texts and all of them are like “he isn’t that cute,” “he’s too young,” “he’s too immature,” “we don’t like him anyways, why do you.” Another example of them being right, he’s tall and sort of cute, has a good job, but am I really attracted to him?

At this point I think I am just so starved for attention that I am being ridiculous and insane. I am also realizing that I have let so many people, ok, so many makes it seems like I am pursued often, but I have let several men go, that I should not have. And since I am basically Good Luck Chuck (not the sex, just the dating part), most have moved on and are in happy relationships.

So here I am, drunk, waiting on a hurricane, going through every flirty text and brush of a shoulder and analyzing the crap out of it. Cheers to Dorian!